Do you think its fair to the child to have 2 gay parents raise them?

Question

I'm gay and I've been thinking about my future a lot recently and it gets me really depressed. I'm 23 and I'm only starting to come out now; the main reason I stayed in the closet was because I wanted to marry a woman and have children someday. But I simply wasn't able to have anything more than one night stands with girls, so i decided to pursue what I truly long for...

Anyways, if I ever end up committing to a guy (maybe getting married? that just sounds so weird to me..) I wouldn't know if I'd want to have children or not. I mean, I want kids more than anything, but I don't think it'd be fair to them having gay parents. I can't imagine what they'd have to go through throughout their lives all because of me. My current partner feels exactly the same way. Can someone give me some strong opposing arguments? I WANT to believe them....

Answer 1

In my opinion, children need nurturing, loving, supportive parent(s). I don't think it matters if it's one or two, man, men, woman, women. Just look at all the dysfunctional families, and tell me how many have two same-sex parents... probably none. It's not what the parents are, it's WHO they are. If you are nurturing, loving people, you'll be better parents than a lot of mothers/fathers are.

Answer 2

Check out gay family values(depfox) on youtube.



http://www.youtube.com/user/depfox#p/u/118/W_QWz-E_SvU



They are a gay couple with 2 kids, a boy and a girl, who are biologically related. The children came from a home where the mother, if I remember correctly, was an addict or alcoholic or something. Anyways, it wasn't the type of home that the kids would do well in. The couple who adopted them were financially stable and they love those kids to death and are the kind of parents they should have had in the beginning.



The kids actually don't get teased or don't really care at all that they have 2 Dads, contrary to what some think. Some other kids with gay parents might get teased, sure, but kids get teased for everything. The fat kid, the overly smart kid, the dumb kid, the kid with an ugly mom. Whatever. Kids in elementry will find anything at all to pick on but it doesn't last forever. You won't make your kids go through hell or anything. Your kids will be loved in a way that they never were when they were in the system. They will probably grow up to be more open minded and well adjusted than most of their peers because they have a non-traditional family. Studies have shown that kids don't do any worse if they have gay parents(in fact, a number show that they do better) and god, think of all the assholes who have tried their damnedest to prove otherwise.

Answer 3

I imagine the *difficulty* of growing up with 2 gay parents can only come from two main sources: 1) The child's environment (e.g. school, friends, the community) and 2) The child's home (e.g., the parents and their parenting style). So first I would consider where you would plan on raising a family.



I hate that there are only a few giant gay havens in the U.S. --San Francisco, NY, Ft. Lauderdale, Provincetown, West Hollywood etc.-- because that leaves the rest of us out. But I imagine these can be good areas to look around when you're looking for an open minded city or suburb where you can feel at home. However, not everyone can afford to live in these cities as they tend to be expensive, and even difficult to adjust to. That said, I would spend a lot of time looking for a place that fits *just right* for you and your future family. It's a difficult search, but trust me it's worth the effort.



As for parenting, I'll say this:



Someone once asked me and a few friends about what she should tell her kids about a gay couple if she runs into two guy's kissing; she 'wasn't homophobic' but she just 'didn't want her kids to have to be exposed to that so early.' I never got the chance to answer her, but if I had a second chance I would ask her how she learned to become 'okay' with gay men and women; whatever that moment of realization was for her is exactly the sort of explanation her kids deserve. She doesn't need to get down to any extreme details; people would be surprised at their children's capacity to understand love & friendship.



Children listen and when it comes to difficult questions, as long as you believe that you have good beliefs/convictions on the given issue, explain to them what you yourself learned a long time ago.

Plus, it's never too late to ASK for help :)



Corny as it sounds, when kids come into the picture, you figure out what you need to do very quickly; fears fall away.



Personally, I'm terrified of bugs.

But when taking care of my baby cousins a few weeks ago. I did what I had to do lol



If you're called to have kids, I think you'll find a way to be there for them. And the world isn't getting anymore conservative.

Answer 4

I don't understand the question. I see having two gay parents more as an advantage than a handicap. A lot of people would rather have two parents rather than a single one or no parents at all. Many would even prefer having two fathers than one father. This may be irrelevant, but I feel like adding the following. Actually, here, in Finland, there's recently been a commercial where a little boy, who's with his father, asks him "Why does Jani (the boy's friend) have two dads and I only have one dad?" xD Adorable.

Answer 5

I struggle(d) with the same problem. I came out almost 3 years ago from an ultra conservative background and a very negative view on anything homosexual. I figured I wouldn't have kids because it would be unfair - right?



Well, my girlfriend is really great and open-minded. She wants kids really bad and it was a source of frustration for me for a long time. In the past few years, however, I've started my career in working very closely with children, and I've come to understand something about them. They pick up on the worldview of their parents.



If you are going to live as a homosexual and have reservations about acceptance, and general fear and anxiety about society, your kids are going to pick up on it. If you believe that people aren't going to accept your children, your fears will be picked up by them and their own fears will manifest - they'll live an unhappy life.



But if you teach your kids that you love them and that the world has no reason not to love them, they have a good chance of growing up happy and healthy. Another way to help enusre this is to make sure that there are no people (like relatives) in your life that are going to be negative and unkind about your relationship.



I dunno. I think that when we have kids in a few years, we are going to make sure we move to a new place, to a city that is accepting of homosexuality and that is relatively far from the relatives, and we are going to give our kids (whether birthed, adopted or fostered) the absolute best and happiest life we can give them. I think that's all anyone can do.



Remember, no matter how kids are raised, in whatever kind of family they are raised in, there are ALWAYS factors that cause dysfuction - it's just part of life. There's no perfect family, but having no family is worse than a family with issues. Anyone with kids needs to give them all the love and acceptance they can muster. It's the best thing for kids.



I hope you both find a way to come to peace about this. It's hard, I know.

Answer 6

If your a good parent then YES it is fair. Overall society WILL look down on you, but if you stay strong there really won't be any issues. The kid honestly won't care if you raise them right and are good parents. They'd be more open to diversity and more accepting of gays. Overall I think it's a great thing.



Yes, it may probably be hard for you to accept being gay and then thinking about having children.

If I were you I'd adopt a younger child, and just work with that!

Answer 7

YES



I grew up, from the age of 10, with no parents after my mum died. My whole life went downhill because of no one to look after me. No one adopted me.. I went into 'emergency' care because of my rebellious behaviour. I could be rich, smart and living somewhere amazing if only I'd had loving parents to guide me the way.. I know I was older, so it's slightly different, but it would have made the world of difference for a gay couple to adopt me. Maybe if gay adoption would have been more socially accepted, my life could have been different. Even for babies, being adopted at early ages by two loving parents makes the world of difference. No matter what sex they are.



Sorry about the depressing lecture.. I just wanted to help you see from a different view.. Children should be thankful for whatever parents they have, it's not like two men or two women is going to have a huge impact on their lives as a difference to whether they were a man and a women. Half the kids out there don't even know their dad anyway..

Answer 8

Yes an no. Yes because just cause you gay doesn't mean you cant be a great father. No because a couple reasons. 1: if its a girl and she has 2 dads who's going to guide her through things like puberty? 2. If a child is exposed to gay parents he/she may not know anything else and assume they're gay. Not that anythings wrong with being gay, but what if they're really straight, but it just gets sunk in their mind, see what I mean? But then again it may no influence them at all. But you have to remember, most kids wouldn't trade all the ridicule they might get for having gay parents for different parents. And its 2010, not that many people care. It's a hard topic, and something you'd mainly need to talk to with your husband.

Answer 9

I understand that things are different in Hickville, Mississippi where you're from, but out here in the Far West I know a lot of kids with gay parents--and I've yet to hear of any of them "going through things throughout their lives" because of their having two dads or two moms. In fact, with no exceptions, kids with gay parents seem better adjusted, more secure, less conflicted, than kids with heterosexual parents. Do only trolls not know this?

Answer 10

Hey man. Studies actually show that on average kids raised by two gay parents turn out more well adjusted and successful than kids raised by two straight parents (on average) because us gays have to go through so much trouble to GET a kid in the first place. We never have "oops" kids that we don't have the resources to care for. Also a child raised by two gay parents turns out better than a kid raised by a single straight mother or father, on average. All evidence indicates that it's the amount of time/money/resources/love/care/number of parents that influence how a kid will turn out, not the sexual orientation of the parent(s). If you're worried about the kid being made fun of in school for having two dads or something, I would just make sure you live in a gay-friendly area and make sure your kid understands that there's nothing weird about having two dads, look on the bright side he'll be way ahead of alll his friends who only have 0-1 dad :oP

Answer 11

I don't think getting any parents is fair. I mean your life hasn't begun so you haven't done anything yet to deserve or not deserve them so techinically no parental combination is fair.



There is nothing wrong with having gay parents. It's no different than having straight parents.

You have to go through more crap in your life being gay, then they will for having gay parents. Plus it's really more accepted now a days so I really don't give a crap what the minority thinks anymore.



Kids of gay parents really don't get as much crap as the media portrays. That's all way over played in my oppinion.



What a few people think or say isn't going to stop me from having a family. My kids will grow up realising it's love that makes a family, not sexuality. They might have to deal with some comments and discrimination but then again if me and my partner were obese they would have to deal with comments, if I was white and my partner was black we'd get comments, if our family was a different religion they would get comments, if I was handicaped they would have do deal with comments the list goes on and on and on. You can't live your life in fear of being judged for being different. Screw what other people think!



If anything my children would greatly benifit from it.

Plus again as times go on people are more accepting of it. The media over dramatasizes all of that. But then again I might be wrong. I don't notice much homophobia around me but I really don't CARE so I just might be missing it.



-Connor

Answer 12

http://www.youtube.com/user/depfox



Do yourself a favor and watch some of the videos from this youtube channel. Its a gay family living in California raising a boy and a girl. These two guys are awesome. They are all the evidence that anyone would need to see that gay people can be good parents like anyone else. They have inspired a lot of people, and I know that they can assuage your doubts in this matter.



EDIT: It looks like Sam beat me to the recommendation. Take his advice with my answer as emphasis.

Answer 13

My partner and I have taken in some kids who had been kicked out of their homes because they came out to their parents, and gave them a safe place to live where they would be taken care of, looked after by someone who really cared about them, so they could be normal teenagers and graduate from high school.



Given the choice between leaving a kid out on the street where he could be the victim of a sexual predator, or giving him a safe place to live so he could stabilize his life — I think we did the right thing.

Answer 14

Better to have gay parents than being an orphan.

Look, gay parents or not, as long as there is love, it's all good. That's the thing that every child needs.....love. Gay couple can provide that too so their sexual orientation shouldn't matter. That's really all that should matter. As long as the child is loved, what their parent's sexual orientation is shouldn't matters at all.

Answer 15

I think two parents are better than one regardless. I'm straight with several gay family members as well as friends. Kids are kids no matter what they're parents lifestyle are like. By nature they want to be loved, they want to learn, they want family unity. So ask yourself this...would it fair to the child not to have both parents. And besides i grew up w/ two moms...due to adoption, and let me tell you two moms is awwwwwwesome.

Answer 16

If you adopt a child, you will be saving a child from not experiencing love at all from a family...and while I myself have no plans on having kids, I admire anyone who could raise a child. I have a friend who has two mothers and he was adopted. He went from this annoying brat to the sweetest child, and he was just happy he now has someone who loves him, instead of people who didn't.



Kids see their parent's as parent's, not gay or straight or different or abnormal or weird...just as two people who love them.

Answer 17

my child turned out fine. if he didn't have a home with us, he'd had to live on the streets.



but sure, you're right. it wasn't fair to give him a home and love and a f**king future.



dude, you shouldn't have kids. you're not mentally ready.







@ double - yea, so selfish to give up my partying and having a good time to care for another person. just shut up. the more you talk, the more stupid you sound.





EDIT: I just realized you are a gay POE. sad when people like you troll with all your fakeness.



begone, troll, begone!

Answer 18

what does that matter as long as the parents teach them right from wrong and are loving and supportive

Answer 19

Two dads are better than none.

Answer 20

if they have a lot of money, it could be worse they could have a poor alcoholic single mom. let's face it no perfect parents exist.

Answer 21

Maybe not, but geez, is life ever really fair for any of us? lol



*

Answer 22

my personal answer is NO!!!!



http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/2281373/posts



look how it turned out for this kid.

Answer 23

no you should have a male and female parents only! You will get beat up and made fun of also.

Answer 24

NO

if you really get down to the brass tax....skipping all the bs answers, emotions, etc, the answer is no. it's selfish, why don't you go get a dog instead? honestly. humans aren't pets.