I'm having trouble with my gay relationship, as I think I might be transgender. Please help.?

Question

Ever since I was a young child I have never identified as a boy. I have struggled to "act" as a boy, as I have always had a VERY strong desire to conform (and I was a Catholic...), but in my mind it was always just that - acting.

Nonetheless, I cannot recall ever seeing myself as a boy. In my own mind I either did not consider my gender, or I found myself (to my considerable horror) identifying as a girl. I despised my own body - particularly the more intimate areas - and could not stand to be naked, let alone see my own reflection in such a state.

At the onset of puberty, I became acutely aware that I was attracted to guys, but never identified as a gay male. I was only ever attracted to straight guys, and the idea that a guy was gay would immediately turn me off (that isn't to say I would dislike him, I would simply be unable to be attracted to him).

Eventually, at the age of 18, I accepted that perhaps I *was* gay, and began to identify accordingly. I moved away from home shortly after this, and became involved with a number of gay males. I soon became aware, however, that I had a very strong desire to be the "female" in the relationship. That isn't to say I wished to be the more feminine male, or to fulfill stereotypically "female" roles in a gay relationship, I literally mean I wished to be involved in a straight relationship as the woman. During intimacy, I always picture myself as a female, and as soon as I am reminded of my male body, I am almost always entirely turned off...

This would all be a far simpler issue had it not been for this: A year ago this month, I met an individual with whom I became very close friends. I have never met someone with whom I have felt so comfortable to be completely myself, and by whom I have ever felt so fully accepted, and earlier this year we began dating.

The problem with his ability to bring out the "real" me, as such - his ability to make me feel completely and 100% comfortable with being myself - is that since we have been dating, I have begun to pay close attention to my identification as a woman. I have begun to accept that maybe I'm not just crazy, and that perhaps there is no need to spend my whole life acting.

I really do love him, and he says that he will love me forever, no matter what I choose (he was the first person I informed of my suspicions on this matter). His willingness to accept me for who I am extends to him saying he will treat me as his girlfriend.

But the fact still remains that I have difficulties with being attracted to him as a gay man. When we are together, I am more attracted to him than I have ever been to anyone EVER, until he does something camp or feminine... When we are apart, I love and desire him romantically as long as I am not reminded of his femininity. But, when the fact hits home that he is gay, I don't in any way love him less, but I love him differently - I love him as the best friend he always has been and always will be, but it's as though I can't love him passionately...

And finally, the thing I fear every single second of every single day, is the day I can no longer live in this body. For now I can just about manage, but I know that won't last forever. I have accepted that one day I will undergo the necessary procedures to become my real self. And I cannot wait for that day. But for one thing...

He says he will love me forever, even if I begin to dress and act as a woman. But if I went all the way - if I had corrective surgery - surely there is no way he, as a gay man, could still be attracted to me physically. He has already expressed doubts as to whether he would fancy me quite so much if I even so much as shaved my armpits, and I cannot blame him! I certainly wouldn't fancy a man with shaved armpits... So if it reached the point where I had breasts and a vagina, how on Earth would he be capable of physical, sexual attraction?

Like I said, I know I will love him forever, and I am sure he will love me forever too, but I'm almost certain that this won't always be romantic or passionate love... Even if we were to attempt a serious relationship after I had undergone surgery, I would live in constant fear that he desired a male lover more (even though I know that he would ever cheat).

A/ Am I a horrible person for failing to be romantically attracted to him when he acts feminine?

B/ Is this relationship NECESSARILY doomed to fail if I ever go ahead with the change I desire so desperately to make?

C/ Is it likely that I AM transgender?

D/ What on Earth should I do?

I can’t even put into words how horrid I feel for being so discontent with our relationship, when I really do believe that he loves me so much he would look through any flaws... I love him so much, but I’m so confused.

Please help me.

Answer 1

The first thing you should do would be to go see an endocrinologist and have a genetic test done. You might be XY (male) or XXY, a male-female mosaic. If you are XXY, then that would explain a lot about where your feelings are coming from, and you can get some really good medical help and support as you figure things out.



If you are an XY, then you need to face it for what it is. Feelings are one thing - facts are facts. An inability to deal with or accept facts indicates a psychological disorder, and that is a situation that requires a completely different approach in terms of treatment.



Just so you know, I spent a lot of time researching this when my niece was transitioning from female to male at the age of 19. She did not have the genetic testing done before her first surgery (double mastectomy), and she did not have adequate counseling beforehand, nor did she go through the proper treatment protocol (which is a year or more of psychological preparation, a minimum of two years living as the opposite gender before proceeding with permanent changes like surgery, and then some time on hormone therapy to start changing the body over before surgery). Basically, her dad is rich and her mom just kept throwing money at doctors until somebody would do the surgery without going through the proper steps.



The results have been quite devastating. My niece remained ambivalent for some time, identifying herself as female on Facebook for a good six months or so after her first surgery, and not having her name and gender legally changed for more than a year afterward. She has dropped out of counseling and is more suicidal and miserable than she was before the surgery. She's not really a male and she's not really a female. She's lonely, depressed, and angry at everybody who let her make permanent choices before she was actually prepared to do so.



Did you know that Johns Hopkins has stopped doing transgendering surgeries because they have found that it doesn't help the patients become happier, more confident, more capable of being in a romantic relationship or holding a job, or anything else that the patients thought it would accomplish? I guess what I am trying to tell you is not to look for an easy fix. There isn't one.



About the relationship - you should do yourself and this fellow a favor and not pursue any romantic relationships until you figure out who you are and what sort of relationship you need to be in. That's true for anybody, gay or straight or transgender.

Answer 2

Yes you are definitely a TG and you must get the surgery done. Then you'll become straight female. And as far as your relationship with this gay guy is concerned I don't know how many straight femals will really fall in love with a gay guy (unless he's super, super hot and sexy) and this will be true for you. Though both of you can love each other forever but that will not be that kind of love after surgery. So what I suggest is you both can still be best of friends and be there for each other helping each other in good and bad times. Love need not to be between romantic only. It can also be platonic.

Answer 3

It sounds like you aleardy know the answers to all these questions.

In my totally unqualified opinion

A) no. It's your preference.

B) Maybe. It'll be a bumpy road and he may end up deciding he can't be with a woman. But it would be unfair to both of you to let that stand in the way of doing what you need to be who you really are if that's how you feel.

C) I can't tell you since I'm not in your head, but my gut says that there is a strong likelihood.

D)I would recommend you see a gender therapist if you can afford it. If not, join some message boards to talk to people who are going through similar things so you can get support. Be true to yourself, whatever you decide that means, even if it puts your relationship at risk. Relationships change but you have to live with yourself forever. Be gentle with him though and not harsh and forceful. Know that this is hard for him too. Suggest to him that there are support groups online for partners of trans people. Maybe he will decide to stay, and that you are the one woman he's bi for. Maybe you two will decide you need to just be friends. Maybe something else entirely will happen. No way to know.

Answer 4

A) No, you can't choose your inclinations in the same way he cannot choose his (or his personality). As long as you acknowledge and accept that you can't and shouldn't try to change him or yourself in these aspects it makes you no less worthy of him.

B-D) Listen to Troy! ... Not that you shouldn't listen to his first answer, I just thought I'd expand on it a little.

Answer 5

A) No

B)Yes

C)No

D)Go for an abstinence training. This would help you modify your feelings and behavior. For details read 'the concealed dilemma', visionme.ucoz.com.

E)Good English!!!

Answer 6

no you're too young to be transgendered. i would know im a lesbian