How can i ease my mothers pain?

Question

My mother found out that i am bisexual and took it bad.
She feels it is some thing she did or did not do when i was growing up.
I told her i am very happy the way i am and who i am is my choice nothing made me this way it just one of them things.
I see that she is struggling to come to terms with what i am.
How can i ease her pain any ideas

Answer 1

Your mum is of a different generation and so coming to terms with bisexuality and people being gay, crossdressing etc is something completely alien to her.

Your mums generation would have put people in jail for homosexual acts and crossdressing etc would have been viewed as gross perversity. It was something that was to be shunned and ignored and punished if it came out into the open. Homosexuality wasn't leagal in UK until very recent times.

You need to tell your mum that even though you are bisexual, you are not suffering from a terminal infectious disease and that your feelings for her havn't change, neither will they ever.

Tell her that it is no failing on her part, OR YOURS, that you are the way you are. Tell her this is century 21 and that bisexuality has been around for millenia, but only now is it allowed to come out into the open and IS TOTALLY acceptable in todays society.

Many film stars were gay/ bisexual, but they had to hide it away. It didn't stop them from being loved by the public and didn't stop them from being famous. So many young men wanted to be like Rock Hudson or Dirk Bogarde, yet both were gay.

Tell your mum, you love her very much and that you are grateful to her for bringing you into the world and that you wouldn;t change a single thing. Tell you are happy with who you are and that she should be too. X

Answer 2

The important thing is that you are comfortable with your own identity, the rest is secondary. Who cares if your Mother has a problem, she'll eventually get over it and in any case it's your life you definately don't have to justify yourself to anyone. The majority of mothers blame themselves, such drama queens, the bisexual is getting too much attention, the parent = the victim also needs some attention. Just be happy, enjoy like, you have only one. It is not your responsibility to ease your mother's pain, what pain, what would she prefer, for you to say you had a terminal disease. And what the hell is your neighbour doing sticking her nose in your business. Don't struggle to much, give it time, and live your life for you, and your sexuality doesn't determine whether you are a nice person or not, you are the same person as always.

Answer 3

I dealt with this same thing when my mother found out about me being gay. She didnt seem to get the point when I talked to her so I just wrote her a rather long letter telling her how she was a great mother and how she did everything she could for me growing up and how I can accept that I am homosexual and that it is normal and that I dont expect her to accept it but I would apprieciate it if she still supported me. I ended my letter by declaring the fact that I love her and that I am very grateful to her for being my mother and letting her know that no matter what not another person could have done a better job than her and noone could EVER replace her in my heart.



It took her a long time to accept it but now we sit back and she says that letter was the turning point for her.

Answer 4

Only time can ease or dispense with your mothers pain. If you can come to terms with who you are, then given time your mother can too.

Just show her the love and respect that you have always done. And don't be any different toward her....just be the same person she has always known. Don't talk about it, as that will appear you are forceing the issue..and that can lead to bigger complications. If your mother says anything, apart from she can't accept it, just let it go at that. As far as anyone else outside of yourself and your mother, tell them to mind their own business. But just give it plenty of time. You know what they say, Rome was not built in a day.

Answer 5

There really isn't anything you can do other than to love her where she is. Encourage your mom and embrace her. Remind her you are still you and you haven't changed. This is who you are and who you have been since you can remember.



Love her.



My mother-in-law is freaking out on me right now because I put my ear ring back in. Something really small. For her though she asked my wife if it was in the left or right ear because if it was in the right ear that means I'm getting kind of "funny". Mom's do some weird things and don't always handle things well. What would my mother-in-law do if she knew I was bisexual.



Love your mom and just be her friend. You'll both grow closer as long as you support each other.



Blessings.

Answer 6

For every parent, your children coming of age and becoming sexually active is a big deal, gay,straight or donkey loving... Your parents are used to having your attention fixed on them and it's strange for them when your attention suddenly shifts to be fixed on someone else.. Many people underestimate this point.. I know i did.. Believe it or not parents can suffer from the green eyed monster the same as anyone which very few people consider as they're telling their parents which way they sway...



Aside from that your parent may have an out dated notion of what be gay is all about.. My mum thought that being gay meant i was going to be outrageously promiscuous and become someone someone she could not, and would not tolerate... One of the biggest things is overcoming this mis conception and reminding your Mum that you haven't changed.. This is you, and who you are is not, and should not be defined by your sexuality...

The part of this that makes it especially difficult, is we want people to understand and we want it immediately, but with things of this nature, it may take bit of time..

Be honest, be yourself and remember, understanding and compassion are two way streets..



Good luck to you honey..

Answer 7

Sit down and talk to her,Also look at the situation if the roles were reversed would you except it so easy,If you would tell your mother you would,I think your mother needs to get some counselling so she can accept it or loose you,After all said and done we do not have a say, if we are that way inclined,Be happy

Answer 8

Well my freins knew first (it alkl went a bit pete tong, my own fault!!). then After 3 months of lying i couldn' bare it. I hd a gay cousin, so knew my mum wouldn't like it. Cos she was always commenting how pathetic he was etc... (he wa s bit). And that. My dad was like it upto him, i'm not bothered.



But when i came out i told my mum first. i just couldn't face it anymore, it was eating awy inside of me!!!. So i told her, she didn't freak, but i could tell she wasn't happy, but stressed i'm bi so theres still time for grand kids. you know. She works with gay men int he care sector, so her opinions had changed a bit. Strangely she was OK about it but we have a DADT policy kind of thing. It gets a mention but she's no different it took her a few days but she was fine.



My dad tho, who i thought Would be OK with it, after a few days started turning weird... Our relationship is not as good as it used to be, think he finds it awkward to talk to me on the phone now. Maybe Cos I might be dressed a a girl, or fingering a guy i don't know.(not really!!!!)



But what i am saying is she'll accept in her own time once she realises. that you have always been like this. I said this to my mum, I have been like this since i can remember fancying people. As soon as she realises your not going to change (apart from the fact you might have a same sex relationship) then She'll be OK again.

Answer 9

Well it's not even your choice really. You chose to accept it, but you didn't choose who you're sexually attracted to, it's just who you are. Make sure she gets that.



I think telling her that it's a naturally occurring thing in people, not a perversion or disorder brought on by outside influences. Maybe also tell her that there's a theory that homosexuality may actually have a reason, which is to help prevent over-population. I don't know if that's true lol, I've only heard about it, but never read it.

Answer 10

The best thing to do is to 'normalise' your life. What that means is she can see that you haven't turned into a monster, but you are still the same daughter she loves and cherishes, just being honest with her. With all due respect being bi is almost easier for her than if you were gay. She can still harbour notions of you settling down with a man and that isn't totally out of reach for her. I wish there was a magic wand you could wave to make i right for her, but she has to come to terms with it in her own way. The more you try and push it the further she might drift. She will come round (if she truly loves you) but she needs to come round in her own way and her own time. All you can do is show her how much happier you are now that she knows this important part of who you are and how she will not be losing a daughter, but gaining an insight!

Answer 11

It's impossible to ease her pain. It's going to take TIME, for it to go away. Parents will blame themselves for the choices you make no matter what. My aunt recently found out my cousin was bisexual and now she's at a loss as well. Just give it time, that's all you can do.

Answer 12

She has to ease it herself...it's not for you to feel guilty about it all. I think she probably has fears for you...that you may encounter predjudice in life. The best thing you can do is show her you are happy with yourself and to live your life as you choose.

MAybe she thinks that you won't get married and have kids because you are bi. talk to her and find out what she is afraid of...good luck.

Answer 13

I think it is much more important for you to accept that you are the way you are and just because someone is your mother doesn't make her any more intelligent or accepting to gay issues. Find love for yourself and worry about acceptance second. Love is Love is love. xxx

Answer 14

why does ANYONE else need to know about your sex life? You should have been more discreet if you didn't want anyone to find out. Tell your mum that your love life is YOUR concern, and make sure you keep it that way.





You bisexuals are just greedy and want the best of both worlds.

Answer 15

Simply tell here........



I am here I am queer ....get used to it !

Then start dressing in leather shorts, grow a big bushy moustach, play Queen records at full volume and take her to Gay pride and The Blue Oyster Bar at weekends.



She will be wishing you were your old self in no time !!!

Answer 16

Just discard it as something you did out of boredom, after all, you do live in Hull. Entirely believable and in all probability true.

Answer 17

well, just tell her that you love her and you thank her for bringing you up to be the person that you are now (bring up your positive traits). it will take time before she accepts your choice. be vocal and showy about how much you love her. make her realize that your relationship with her is far more important than your sexuality.

Answer 18

My advice would be to just keep quiet.

Don't try and do anything.

Leave her to get over it..she'll forget about it soon enough.

Don't bring it up if you want her to forget about it.

Answer 19

just be you and give her time to come around just do not act like a lez infront of her

Answer 20

I think you answered your own question. I am straight and applaud you sexuality. If I was a women I would definitely be gay. Women are beautiful and men are down right hairy and ugly.

Answer 21

you can't..however you don't need to speak about it. i don't see why you would want to tell about what you do with your sex life! isn't that supposed to be private?

Answer 22

Your mom will be fine. Just don't "boink" her friends.

Answer 23

turn back to being straight ....some parents want normal kids ...no offence



i totally agree with arseteroide

Answer 24

Ask her to try PFLAG.

Answer 25

in time babe

Answer 26

shoot her

Answer 27

Simple stay straight thats what she wants and grandchildren