Transsexual and stealth...?

Question

I met this really nice guy. I can see myself with him long term. He is totally ok with adopting kids etc. But he wants me to live stealth with him. I am not allow to identify as transsexual with his family. What would you do?

Answer 1

I think you should do it. As soon as I have my surgery I will be going stealth outside of Q & A. After all the dream of most if not all transsexuals is to be able to live our life's without people ever knowing our past.

Answer 2

I can see and understand both sides of this argument. Stealth with a guy that loves me. Yeah that's always been a dream. I think most of us strive for that. On the other hand I do not want to live my life looking over my shoulder hoping no one revels my past.



At this point I do live stealth but people that have a need to know do.



I think if I were you I would live stealth but if someone did confront you I would not lie about it. The person you were is gone now so you are not lieing about who you are, you're a woman. You were born with a birth defect you corrected.

Answer 3

I agree with Robin I keep it to myself for the most part but if the issue comes up I don't hesitate to out myself and speak my mind. If you think you can be happy in stealth and keep your mouth shut when people are bad mouthing transsexuals then go for it. Me I could never keep my mouth shut in those cases. For me 100% stealth is not an option I would feel as though I was turning back on other trans folk.



Acceptance will only be gained by visibility. If we all run and hide in stealth that makes it all the more difficult for those who don't have passing privilege. If we don't fight for each other who will?

Answer 4

Gaia's answer is a great example of why so many of us consider "deep stealth." Thanks, Gaia! (Hugs and Kisses) ;-) The vast majority of people have absolutely no clue about Transsexuality and will resort to what they THINK they know.. like Gaia's assumption that there must be something dangerous about us. It's ignorance, plain and simple. Throw that in with some good, old fashioned religious conservatism and we become monsters that should be marked and outcast. There's so much hate out there.... After social transition is over, being reminded of the fact that you're "different" is very painful. You start to feel as if you're just part of someone's personal diversity endeavor or that you're pitied. After GRS many of us go into stealth because we're tired of explaining and defending ourselves... tired of being considered "abnormal." Relationships are a tough call... Do you tell? When do you tell? My own personal rule is to tell a potential partner before the first kiss. Lots of people could never get past the Trans thing and it's better to get that out of the way before it gets ugly. In a perfect world, people would see that we're just like any other women with a need to love and be loved; That we just had to work a little harder than most people to find ourselves and overcome our birth defect. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't tell someone so close to me. Some of us go through transition to live as ourselves... Some go through transition to live as Transsexual. As I move forward, the difference between the two is becoming more obvious. There's nothing wrong with either one! I think the most important thing we can do as Transgendered people is recognize and respect our differences.

Answer 5

That definitely sounds tempting. The problem that can arise is that your past life will need to have some serious editing when people ask about your youth. If you create a fictitious past, then you impose the requirement on yourself that you must maintain this fiction as a facade to the public.



Personally, I could never live total stealth. I feel that I have spent such a large part of my life trying to present an image of someone who isn't really me, that I don't want to feel that I am suppressing the real me. This does not mean that I want to wear a flashing sign on my back saying that I am trans. I just want to feel that I can choose who and when I out myself.

Answer 6

There are a fairly large number of trans-women who are very proud of their "transsexual" status and live their lives not afraid of telling anyone and everyone who and what they are. You may be finding you are feeling that sense of specialness and afraid to give it up by living the "stealth" lifestyle. It will be a tough decision for you, but it will be a very private and personal decision as well. I am hoping one day to feel totally free to say I am done and go on living a fully female life, but it is my choice. Let your conscience be your guide and do what makes you feel right. Keep in mind a loving relationship hangs in the balance of your choice, and the feelings of your potential mate could be crushed by your holding onto the past.

Good luck in your decision and hopefully all will end up well :o)

Answer 7

Personally I'd have a problem with that.



I live stealth because I choose to and because me being trans is a non-issue most of the time. However, when it does come up I can be very outspoken about it. I would never want to feel like I had to keep my mouth shut just because my boyfriend or whoever didn't want me to talk about it.



I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and his mom doesn't know that I'm trans. He wouldn't have a problem if his mom did know I was trans and neither would I. The only reason she doesn't know is because neither him nor I see any need to go out of our way to tell her. But if for some reason I suddenly felt like she had to know I wouldn't want my boyfriend telling me I couldn't.



It would make me feel like he was ashamed of me or scared of what people would think of him.

Answer 8

That's tricky. On one hand, I think most transsexual born people would like that situation, but on the other hand: it should be your choice. Is he ashamed of you? I think as long as he makes it clear that he will love you just as much either way, and just prefer if you were stealth, but thedecisionn is up to you, I think it would be better.

Answer 9

It comes down to what really any relationship issue comes down to: what are you both comfortable with?



How do you feel about it from an ethical standpoint. Do you feel any need to disclose your identity to people you're relatively close to? Do you feel like it's dishonest not to? Are you willing to close off part of your past like that? Are you aware and willing to deal with any possible consequences of being 'outed'? Will you resent being coerced into going stealth if it's against your will?



I'm not saying there's a right or wrong answer to any of these questions. You simply have to determine how YOU feel about them and make a decision based on those feelings.

Answer 10

Wow,that's a tough question.What would I do? I'm afraid if I loved him and a dream come true,we could definitely work things out.What I have found is in transition we often take one step forward and two backwards,sometimes even sidestepping issues.For me not at least giving in partially would be bad judgement,same for him.



I'm 100% out (yes have the bruises/scars) but that was my choice.I'm happy to say after a terribly long search I have found my life partner (or he found me) and living full time.Yes,i'm blessed and you should be too.



Wishing all the luck in the world

Answer 11

I had a relationship like that, it was interesting.. the 1st time I spoke with each of his parents over the phone, it freaked me out, but they never questioned me, so I just went with it.



if the question ever arises, simply tell the truth, but don't make a huge deal about it..



so your a woman who happened to be born with a birth defect..



as long as the two of you are happy, it honestly shouldn't matter.



but one caution, don't turn this against him, don't fall into the trap of wanting to live free of people knowing.



simply be yourself and be honest.

Answer 12

If he can't love all of you, what about him do you love?



I'd never do it personally, since that sort of history will eventually find its way to the ears of your in laws. Better it be from your lips than some transphobic nobody.

Answer 13

I think the answer will be easy. Just ask yourself will you be happier with or withput this person, assuming he won't budge on the issue. Make your choice based on that an you can't go wrong. You can only control you!

Answer 14

I live stealth by choice.



I do not identify as trans, I identify as a lesbian born with a birth defect.



If it were me I would go along with it. You have found someone who cares and you seem to care about. Give it a try

Answer 15

u mean u are transexual, i always wanted to have tranny girl friend,



i would left my wife and be with you and bisexual.



can u email me or can u be with me if i want it