how do i tell my son about his father?

Question

i thought i would post my question here, if it is in the wrong place, sorry. i thought i would get the best advice from people who have actually been through this.

I was with my ex for 6 years. we had a son together. we split up 5 years ago.

other day i get a phone call from ex, hes crying, and in a nutshell he tells me hes gay. he tells me hes known all his life, he tells me his entire family knew all along. After telling me all that he then tells me he has been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year because he has also known all his life that he wants to be a woman. (he lives alone and dresses up daily) he has been told that he will have to pay for the op etc. thats all i know.

after thinking about it all i do feel hurt, i feel like i wasted 6 years of my life with a man who knew all this about himself when he met me. when he got me pregnant. when he slet with me every night.

now, im fine with it, he can do whatever makes him happy, if this makes him happy then good for him, im not with him anymore, he can do what he likes and i wont judge him at all, its his life.

my problem is, how do i tell my son that his father is not only gay, but pretty soon hes going to be a woman? our son is nine years old, and i do not know the best way to brake all this to him? i have had advice from people but it varies, some say hes too young to know, other say tell him and let him get used to it all.

what do i do??

Answer 1

Here's my advice. Do with it what you will.



But your son is 9. And 9 year olds these days know a lot more than adults give them credit for.



I say tell him. BUT...



Before you do, I suggest you do some research on the GLBT community, and especially the trans community. Because if you break this to your son, he's going to have questions. And in my opinion, it's your responsibility as a parent to make sure he gets accurate, honest, and truthful information.



And you can't give that to him if you are ignorant yourself. If your son learns about trans people or gay people on the street, then he may get information that leads to homophobia and transphobia simply based on ignorance because he was never taught a different perspective.



So, for you, I would suggest learning all you can on the subject first so that you are educated and prepared to answer his questions.



*edit* luvme..sorry but I couldn't resist. You think trans people are stupid, weak, and shallow? Have you ever tried walking a mile in the shoes of a trans person? A lot of us face discrimination, violence, sexual assualt, we lose our families, our friends, our jobs, our homes, our entire support system. Many of us have had to live on the streets, and I know trans women that have had to resort to being a sex worker just to survive. I've seen trans people beaten by police officers (me being one of them) just because they didn't like who they were. And you know what? These people still go out everyday secure in who they are, with their heads held high, and not changing who they are for anyone..irregardless of how much society tries to change us. You wanna call that WEAK? You wanna call that STUPID? You wanna call that SHALLOW? I think anyone who thinks of trans people that way and can only see sex and gender with what the eyes can see are the shallow ones. The ones who are too lazy to educate themselves are the shallow ones because they believe what they hear from others instead of having enough self awareness to question some of what they see and hear and instead, think for themselves. I feel sad for people like you.



You wanna call me crazy, and think I'm a goofball? Well..you know what? I'm a college senior who will graduate next year with a degree in medical technology. I'm currently doing an internship in a hospital where I run and analyze laboratory testing which results in life and death decisions for some people. I help SAVE LIVES. And tell me again what exactly it is YOU do?

Answer 2

What do you do?



I see you are getting some good advice and some bad...



The first thing you do is relax. As shocking as the news may seem, it will not do any harm to you or your son.



Take some time to study about transsexualism. Your ex is not gay. He is a transsexual. Read a couple books about the subject:

http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-Man-Married-Transgender/dp/1580051936/ref=pd_sim_b_3



Realize that your ex has problems. He is doing his best to cope with his problems. You did not waste 6 years of your life. Your hurt feelings and anger may not be right... Imagine your ex's situation. He tried to be normal. He wanted to have a happy marriage, and a family. He thought that his demons would go away if just got married and worked at being heterosexual. He couldn't tell you about this before because he wanted your respect. By telling you everything he was breaking his last ties to ever being a normal heterosexual male. Now he has crossed beyond ever returning, and he still cares about your approval, your respect, and the respect and love of your son. Yes, he has problems.



Tell your ex not to mention this to your son. You will do it yourself on your time. You will have to talk to your son about sex and sexuality beyond what the average parent has to do and you will have to do it within the next couple months. Begin by asking him what does he already know.. (Kids nowadays learn a lot from school, friends and media,) Your son will act like he already knows all about sex. Ask him what he knows about different sexual orientations. (Don't be surprised if he tells you that he suspects someone in his class is gay.) Then use U-Tube to search transsexuals, ladyboys, Grae Phillips, and Japanese game shows.... Japanese game shows?



Here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etLdPMfFoIw



Tell your son that you found a funny Japanese game show on U-Tube and look at several of the other links. Have a good laugh. It will offer an opportunity to talk about transgendered topics.



I wish you the best, and hope that this brings you and your son closer together. I suspect that your son will handle all this as well (or better) than you.

Answer 3

As far as I can tell, you ex who is the father of your and his son came out as gay and wants to have a sex change.



Do you think that the boy will find out if no one tells him? Does he see his father now?



If you don't think he will find out, the I would wait until he is a little older to talk to him about it, especially if the father is going to get a sex change.



If you are pretty sure that the boy will find out, I would talk to him very carefully about it in private. If you are very stressed out about it, then the will be. If you don't overreact, then he will most likely take it better.



You can explain that sometimes men and woman develop certain preferences when they are younger such as men liking men and women liking women. Also, when this happens, people become confused at the time. You can then tell him that his father is gay and that you would like his support for your ex. If he takes it bad, give him time. Let him be open, if he doesn't take it well, or makes some inappropriate comments, let it slide for now. Let him get his feelings out, even if they are negative.



Then after some time passes, you can let his father talk to him about it and discuss the sex change. My vote would be that your ex wait to have the sex change operation until your son is a bit older, but if not, then you will just need to let him know slowly.

Answer 4

I feel sad for your whole family that society is screwed up enough that this is a problem. I think the best thing would be to start by educating yourself as much as possible about transpeople. If your ex is trans and attracted to men, she's not gay. I don't think there's a 'too young to know' about such things. That whole 'children shouldn't be allowed to know' thing only makes it harder for transpeople and increases the troubles they go through. Once you are confident that you have a good understanding of the concept of transsexuality/transgenderism, it shouldn't be too hard to break it down into simplified terms so that your son can understand too.

Answer 5

I think you should first understand a difference of being a transsexual and a homosexual.. You ex being male is gay because he likes men. he will soon be a hetero sexual transsexual woman.. confusing? yes I know! I am gay and my best friend also gay told me he wanted to transition to be a woman many years ago... and that he feels like he is not gay because he likes men and he feels inside he is a woman.. I now many years later know he as now She.. she is amazing and wonderful and better for this.. now that is past.. with you son.. YES i do think he is to young to know everything.. how ever i think you should bring it up slowly.. let him take it in at a slow pace.. ask him what he thinks about gay people... because i doubt he really knows really what a transsexual is. I recommend to just get his opinion .. and take from that what to do next. I say this because i also have another transsexual friend who hasn't seen or heard from her daughter in years because her ex(child's mother) just told her your father is gay... and now hes a girl so hes no longer your father... so make sure that you reinforce that this is still his father and he hasn't really changed inside but hes doing what he can to make him self feel happy and complete... I know this is very hard for you to deal with . I wish you the best of a luck and a clear head...

Answer 6

Kids learn about death from a very young age and yet its considered wrong for them to know anything about non-straight orientations until they're like 20.



Just tell him. Tell him that his dad is a woman on the inside, and so he's going to get a surgery to become a woman so that he can be a woman on both the inside and the outside. Tell him its like any other corrective surgery, such as fixing a harelip or removing a benign growth (which, technically, they are).

Answer 7

What is your son's level of interaction with his father? Do they visit each other during the holidays? On the weekends? Or is there virtually no contact at all?



If they are involved in each other's lives more than they are not, both of you should sit down with your son and explain what is going on to him. You can discuss it in terms suitable for a nine year old.



Maybe these kids can help you out. They've pretty much got it down pat.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4v05WhT6bI

Answer 8

I'm so sorry to hear that. You don't deserve to be in your situation. I think if your ex really loved your son, he would stay a man, because that would shatter his mental health if his daddy turns into a second mommy. Having two same-sexed parents is okay, but when you grow up with a mommy and a daddy, and suddenly, daddy turns into a woman, that would be devastating. I would not tell your son yet, because he's too young to go through that type of life change. If your ex goes through with the sex change, unfortunately, your son will probably need counseling, because that is a terrible situation.

Answer 9

Personally I think you need to let him tell you child everything.

Answer 10

I wouldn't telll him unless you absolutely have to. That is something that is worth keeping away from your son. If you ever are faced with a situation where you have to tell him, I guess I would make his father out to be a joke and goofball, and quite stupid, weak, shallow. But personally I would keep my son away from his father and hope to never see him again! Find a better role model a real man and tell your son that his father had some issues he needed to deal with, tell him it has nothing to do with him, its problems that started when he was a kid and he never healed from then and them MOVE ON...your son can be a better man than that!