Question:
Need help and advice - My son wants to become a girl?
2011-12-01 09:28:36 UTC
My son is 10, he started talking about this around 3 months ago but I have suspected something for quite some time. If I'm honest, I expected him to come and tell me that he was gay because he is a very feminine boy. He played with dolls from around 5 and he's been caught in his older sisters make up and clothes before. He came to me 3 months ago and said he'd been on the internet and found some people that were born in the wrong body and he thinks he's one of them. I was dumbfounded to be honest and was in the middle of making tea so just said we'll talk about it later. Later on I said to him he was still quite young and it was difficult to know how you feel about things at that age, so he should wait a few years and see how he feels about it then. On reflection I was probably quite patronising towards him.

He's not let it drop, he talks about it constantly. He insists I call him Joan and rolls his eyes when I say John or him/he. Because it's been going on so long now I feel I should start taking it more seriously. He's found out about these tablets that you take, hormones of some kind I think. He tells me he wants to start taking them before he starts puberty (I haven't even had the birds/bees talk with him yet). He goes to high school in September next year and wants to be "changed" by then into a girl.

I really don't know anything about this, I have a gay aunt but have never even met a transsexual. Should I be discouraging these thoughts completely? I feel in my heart he knows what he wants. Obviously surgery isn't an option until he's older but what do these tablets do? If he does start taking them now and changes his mind will there be any lasting effects? Will he start growing breasts? Will the high school allow him to be treated as a girl or should I consider home schooling? I'm in the UK, so I assume my first step would be taking him to the GP? Any information would greatly help, websites/books that I or he should be reading.

Thank you in advance.
Nine answers:
?
2011-12-01 18:29:22 UTC
Congratulations! It's not so much losing a son as gaining a daughter.

Here are a bunch of things you can read to learn more about transsexuality:

http://www.gires.org.uk/

http://www.t-vox.org/index.php?title=Main_Page

http://vch.eduhealth.ca/pdfs/GA/GA.100.L569.pdf

http://www.ctys.org/about_CTYS/FamiliesInTransition.htm



Many Doctors in the UK will prescribe hormone blockers to kids, which I think is what she's after. They're completely safe and completely reversable, all she'll have to do is stop taking them and their effects go away. She may get a little breast growth from her natural estrogen levels, but it won't be spectacular, espeially since she's only 10. She'll still have to wear breast forms until she goes on HRT, which in the UK is after she's 15 (I think; check with the Gender Clinic to be sure). By that time she should have had a diagnosis long before.



What you need to do right away though, is finding a therapist for her, so you can all ensure that she's doing the right thing, and being safe while she's doing it. T-vox lists therapists in the UK: http://www.t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_United_Kingdom
Gnomeboy
2011-12-01 10:21:35 UTC
If I were you, I'd talk to a GP about the tablets. Also, it's absolutely reassuring to find such a wonderful parent who is still so loving towards their child despite hearing potentially discomforting news. People tend to realize that they are transsexual from a surprisingly young age, so don't be confused or surprised by this - your gender is something very easy to determine.



Don't discourage his self-expression or make him feel uncomfortable - as you say, you feel he knows what he's saying. However I'd suggest that you tell him that he will have a very, very difficult time in high school unless he's very subtle about it. High School children can be very cruel with this sort of thing. However, if you tell him not to do it, it will make him all the more determined to defy you, so don't take that approach.



As for the hormones and everything, he will be referred to specialist psychologists to help determine whether he is genuinely transsexual or whether he's just confused about himself, and they will run all sorts of complicated tests with him (very gently, reassuringly) and the GP will need their reference before he will prescribe something.



I wouldn't suggest home schooling, but I would ask him gently to put off the surgery for a few years, just to make his education as strong as possible and as easy as possible.
Ben
2011-12-01 10:22:58 UTC
Its very hard to decide what to do really, yes with him being young it could be a phase, but giving the description you have given it probably isnt. All you can do as a parent is just accept him and guide him through rough times. Going to high school will be very hard and there will be many bullies especially if he is a transgender, you will just need to help and support him though all his hard times.

The best thing to do is just listen to him and give as much advice as you can, if you come across something you cant answer, then research online, just type my son is a transgender in google and you will get loads of advice from many different places.

As for calling him Joan and calling him a her or she, then thats up to you really, you seem to be an accepting parent, so if your comfortable and if its what he really wants then yes, do it. but it is up to you whether you wait until he is older or not.

If you do start calling him Joan, and he later realises that it was a phase, then you can just go back to John.

So just love him, accept him and listen to him.



Hope this helps

Ben
2011-12-01 10:22:09 UTC
There are many reasons why a boy would have a confusion about his sexual identity. It's very complex and mixed up with lots of emotional, social, and hormonal factors. Sometimes boys have feelings like this, especially around early puberty, and then develop out of it as they grow older. Sometimes a person really does feel that their emotional identity is at odds with their physical gender.



Here is my advice:

First, tell him the physical facts about the differences between boys and girls, and the biological functions of the different sexes. Age 10 is way too old for him to still be in the dark about this, and his ignorance may be contributing to his feelings.

Second, make an appointment to start seeing a psychologist that specializes in youth and adolescent issues. The psychologist can help him deal with these feelings, and help him sort out what is driving the issue. He will need to see one anyway if he continues to feel he is the wrong sex, because they don't do sex reassignment surgery until they are very sure that is the right way to deal with the situation. Some people may present with the complaint that they are the wrong sex, but the real issue is something else that is just manifesting that way.



Finally, it is very rare that sex reassignment is done before puberty, except in physically intersexed individuals and it is diminishing even in those cases because the children are not able to give informed consent. There are other ways to deal with some of these situations than choosing a sex and forcing the body to conform with the conventional definition of one or the other. It is especially rare in children who physically are unambiguously a specific sex. Because there are so many emotional and hormonal influences that can influence self-image, it's better to wait until after puberty completes to avoid misinterpreting difficulties of adolescence. EDIT: I wrote the last paragraph in haste, based on what I knew about the subject about 20 years ago. I don't know how they are handling transsexualism these days. It's conceivable that they may begin sex reassignment before puberty if warranted. It might work better if they start before the body begins to mature, so they won't have to reverse the results of maturing into the gender that is not desired. Talk to the psychologists or other experts to find out what treatments are offered these days.



Try to give your boy the freedom to work through this without undue judgement or coercion. There are many possible outcomes, try to focus on finding the result that will allow your child to develop into the best adult he can be, whether that adult is male, female, or an intermediate sex. It may also help you to contact a Lesbian/Gay/Bi/Transgender (LGBT) organization in your area to get more information on the issues involved, without judgement or undue pressure. In the US there is an organization called PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), there may be a chapter or a similar group in the UK.



Regarding the high school issue, I once saw a fictional story about a family with a strongly transgender boy that they had finally allowed to dress and act as a girl, because he was miserable being forced to maintain the male role. (An episode of the TV program called Judging Amy.) It became a legal issue because the boy's school had a conduct issue with the child refusing to act in accordance with his physical gender, causing disruption and leading the school to suspect child abuse. After an interview with the child about her self image, Judge Amy suggested that she "pretend" to be a boy while at school, and she could act as the girl she felt she was at other times. You might pursue a similar solution.
Ayla
2011-12-01 09:56:44 UTC
Be careful not to take ignorant advice on here! With a question like this, people are bound to put in all kinds of their own opinions, including those based out of ignorance. Unfortunately i can't really help you much with your question because i don't know much about it either. I'd say try to find a group in your area for parents of transgendered kids where you can ask questions from people who have been through this and know what they are talking about. Or even groups online. You sound like an amazing parent, and it is so wonderful that you accept your child! Many parents aren't so loving. Keep talking! Explain that you don't mean to be patronizing, you just don't want to rush into things. Good luck!
2016-05-16 06:47:44 UTC
Ive Studied with Chance*(whose name has been changed) That is also 14 he does decent on his studies in the teach book but he is getting in trouble at school. I do think it has to do with adolescense at this time but a majority of it has to do with association (1 Cor. 15:33). Be it at school, phone, internet, or even the hall. Ask him do he feel any religion or what religion rather do he prefer or do he think he should be involved with God altogether; if he say's yes, ask him which one & why . If he wont talk to you maybe your husband will be best to ask him why he's feeling this way toward you, im pretty sure he'd get an answer. I kept talking to Chance about obedience & asked him do he want to live a long time on the earth? he said yes, then i showed him Eph 6:1. Even my daughter has been asked about her future, she's undecided now (11) but im not gonna give up in teaching her and my study, what is fine .when she gets to be an adult she can make her ultimate decision then. im not forcing anything on anyone just giving my study & daughter subtle scriptures every now & then. The scriptures says train up a boy according to the way; even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.(Pro. 22:6). Even the prodical son after gettin into troubles he returned didnt he. So you still have hope. And my opinion if you delicately handle this situation he's gonna return. But if not, we are imperfect, just think how perfect and blameless, righteous, & holy Jehovah is & he lost 1000's of Sons that did not return to their heavenly position.
Reece
2011-12-01 09:40:18 UTC
He might, however, have some kind of deep emotional problem.

Higher a psychiatrist to flush it out of him.

If all else fails, sit him down and ask him WHY he wants to be a girl.



If you think he is a girl in a boys body, see a GP.

But this is unlikely to be the case. Just because your Aunt is gay, doesn't mean your son is.



(Or, wait until he is a teen. THEN he will want to stay as a boy...)





EDIT:



I've noticed you posted "Will he grow breasts?"

Answer, no. No way can current medical technology in tablet form modify the human body.

It would require adding and removing certain genes, altering already developed DNA, removing cells to change them around etc.

That can only be done during the first (however many weeks) of pregnancy, after that, your DNA is set in stone. Nothing can change it..



These tablets simply slow the rate of puberty down. (So he can still be a teenager with a Justin Bieber voice...) I doubt there are any long lasting or short term side affects, but if you're willing to let him take them, check with your GP first... I'm not a doctor, so don't take my medical advice on that...
Punk Rock and Minerals
2011-12-01 11:48:40 UTC
Seems you have a daughter, and never knew it

Your kid is transgender, and you just have to accept it. There is nothing you can do to reverse it, and discouraging it will only cause more problems for both of you



My advice is you take her to a gender therapist, who will help with the transition to female

Just love your child just the same



list of Gender therapists in the (UK is at the top)

http://www.drbecky.com/therapists01.html
?
2011-12-01 13:23:22 UTC
a gp here in the usa means 'general practitioner' which is not what you want. an endocrinologist would be better. however, i'd wait a bit first, perhaps a year- this way if s/he's still serious s/he can go into hormone therapy before adolescence.


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