Personal view and trust in a Gay Relationship?

Question

Hello,

First of all I would like to say that i'm opening this question to hear other people's opinion. Things go great but I really need some advice in this situation.

I'm gay, and I've been with my partner for quite some time now. He's my second relationship and my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. Well it lies more complicated, me and my ex have been together for 3 years but in the end I found out I was the one he was having an affair with. Then for two years I enjoyed being single and got to know the gay scene. But I hated it. It made it more clear to me that gay men are very untrustworthy. The only thing their after is sleeping around with whomever they get the chance with. So I tried making friends but in the end it was always just a way to get sex, of course it never came that far but then after rejecting them they talk bad about you all of a sudden and stab you in the back. A few times I also was introduced in a "gay friend group" and the ironic thing was that they all met through sleeping with each other or through that gay app called grindr. So I kind of started to hate gay people and stay as far from that scene as possible.

Then a few years ago I met my partner. And I love him more then anything. And thankfully it's also the other way around. He has some gay friends which I accepted because they were just friends he said. But he confessed to me that he slept with each one of them or met them on grindr. It was not the most pleasant thing to hear probably because it confirmed my way of thinking, plus because he's my man. But I don't feel comfortable knowing he was that way in the past, and that he still has contact with those "friends" when he's with me now. I'm not gonna forbid him from seeing his friends of course. But the odd thing is, he talks about these guys as friends. But I never met them, saw them or know about him seeing them. It's just an occasional text message... That was fine until I found out he was hiding it from me. He apologized and explained that he was afraid that I would get angry because it's nothing. But when I ask him if it's nothing then why is he talking with them. He tells me he does not know.

Anyway, our relationship on the other hand is perfectly fine. And this is just something that has been on my mind lately and I don't know how to think or why I'm so bothered by his past or the fact he has some mysterious kind of contact with his past bed partners...

Sorry for the long story. I just hope someone might be able to give me some clarity and give me their point of view.

Thank you,
Vince

Answer 1

I don't think that is true about all gay guys. It is quite possibly something many do when they are "discovering themselves", and then they actually get to know the person and end up like them as friends. Your partner probably really was just nervous of what you would think- because hey, you really did start thinking really hard about it. He probably just didn't want to upset you. Again, none of this is for sure. I'm a Bi female, so I definitely don't know on a personal level. Hope it's not anything that will ruin your relationship. best of luck :)

Answer 2

How do you get ex back? Read here https://tr.im/Jotgr



First: This girl may have been your first love - but she will not be your last love. She was just first. By first, that means there will be a second - and maybe a third and fourth - love. In fact, I rather doubt you really do love her in the way a real relationship works - because you fought all the time and you apparently always had to have the upper hand. If you really loved her you would have been much more considerate of her in the first place.



Second: You are at least man enough to describe what you did to make her break off with you - you argued with her about everything - who she talked to, that she wasn't at your beck and call, everything. Would you want to be with someone who did this to you? Hardly not. Well, neither did she - and she ended it. OK so learn something from this. Don't do this kind of thing to your next girl or you will be back on Y/A crying like you are now. Learn from this. If you need to get counseling - then seek counseling. But at least you recognize what you did to screw things up. That's to your credit. But learn from it.



Third: Can you get her back? No. She has made it clear that she may still like you as a friend - but never again as a lover/boyfriend. Accept that and move on. One thing for sure - stop contacting her and begging her. Do not follow her. Do not make a public scene etc. That is called stalking and in the U.S. it is against the law to stalk someone - which can land you in jail and be labeled a sex offender for the rest of your life. You don't want that. Not good at all.



How do you mend a broken heart? It takes time. LOTS of time. It starts by accepting that the relationship is over and then reflecting on what went wrong and how you contributed to it. You're doing this now - so you're doing the right thing. Stop contacting her because every time you do, you're just tearing open an old wound. Be polite and even friendly when you two meet in person (as you probably will occasionally) but explain to her that you need some time away from her so you can heal from the breakup. Make it stick



Is this easy? No. Breakups hurt all over. They make you sick to your stomach and can even cause you to mess up other things in your life - but that's why they call it lovesick.

Answer 3

Well I'm not a fan of the gay scene either I have had my wonderful lover also and stupid as I can be lost touch with him this was over 8 years ago I was straight for much of my life and found no satisfaction In and being with a women I was married for a time she cheated on me and then one day It happened and I have had a few sexual encounters until I met this man through a dating site and lost him some how since then I have been trying hard to find a boyfriend a lasting relationship with one guy and stick only with that person I'm am 60 yes started late In life to turning gay well you will have those feelings you have for a while I'm sure you should not worry to much being human Is part of life and you will just have to go with the flow and not be to paranoid about your feelings

Answer 4

You scenario is not a gay-only thing. It can happen to anyone no matter which gender they prefer. Straight women and men these days all have multiple sex partners, sometimes it's no more involved then getting it on in the bathroom of a club (yes, I've seen this with my own eyes) and the they don't even know each other's names, it's just scratching and itch immediately, no future anything involved. In some ways, I'm glad women have learned to separate sex from love because they are two different things and for too long women have "assumed" that to have sex you have to love the person and were so heart broken when they found out the [guy] was only interested in some easy sex. I mean, forever straight guys have been asking "how many dates do you have to do before you bed the girl?" Which always seemed kind of tacky to me.



But gay men, because they don't have to worry about pregnancy and men have always been given their "boys will be boys" and "guys have needs" excuse, have more rampantly promiscuous...because it's been ok. For men, probably since the beginning of time, quantity has always been better, whereas with the women, quality was better.



Do not get discouraged. I know a lot of gay men who after searching around a bit found life-long partners. One of my friends has been with his partner for over 40 years now (his partner went through a short period of wanting to be with other guys mainly because he wasn't even 20 when he got involved with my friend so the guy always wondered what he had missed; my friend was wise enough (albeit, worried sick and a little hurt that his boyfriend felt he wasn't enough for him) to give the boyfriend a little leeway to get it out of his system and to finally figure out that all those other goodtime guys are pretty damn shallow and will never be there when you need them, they basically only want to use you. You have to allow that your boyfriend does and will continue to have friends of his own--it's only healthy. And probably part of the reason he kept this fact hidden from you was because he knows how you'd feel if/when you found out and he was trying to avoid either hurting you or complicating things between you. Your boyfriend had a life before he met you and you cannot now judge him for the pre- time. As they say, you may have to kiss a lot of frog to finally find your prince. And maybe if your boyfriend felt he could be more open with you, there wouldn't be a need to sneak around behind your back. Maybe talk to him about this. He truly may not have a need for any other bed partners but you. A good relationship is full of communication, lots of discussions, lots of getting things out in the open...and finding solutions that both of you can live with. Be honest too so he knows what's going on in your head and heart.

Answer 5

Want to know how to get your ex back? Change yourself. Don't worry about changing other people, worry about changing yourself. Go to https://tr.im/Qlwgj



Once you do that then you can start to worry about getting back together with your ex, other wise you will find that you are fighting about all the same things and getting no where. Do what it takes and I promise things will work out in your favor.



The funny thing is I came to the realization that I had to change a little too late. After I was kicked out and after I was about to lose the only things that truly mattered to me - her love. A funny thing happens when we truly love someone and lose them. We do what ever it takes to get them back. For me I had to drop bad habits that had caused not only our relationship to sour but practically every other relationship I had had in the past. Not only with women, but with friends, co-workers, family, you name it.



Which is why I say to you as my ex at the time said to me, the only thing you can do is change yourself. Work on yourself and improve on the person that you already are. Drop the negative things in your life that don't belong there and you will see all of your relationships start to take off to new heights.

Answer 6

Hey Vince!



I see alot of myself in your as I read through this passage from your story. I'm a gay man that is also in his second relationship ever. The first ended in a massive trainwreck that has left me with 0% self confidence, a cynical attitude about society in general, and what feels like a complete and total inability to trust anyone with anything anymore.



I also am not a fan of the whole gay scene. I've been in recovery for drugs and alcohol abuse for the past 4 years. 4 years sober! yay! But that was another nasty thing from my previous relationship too. Long story. But it makes it so I cannot let myself go out to gay bars for the simple fact that I can't invite trouble and temptations into my life. It's just not a place that I feel I can safely be.

After my first boyfriend essentially ruined my life with the drugs and alcohol and cheating and abuse...I seriously never thought I would be able to trust anyone again, let alone love someone.



But then I meet my current partner online about 3.5 years ago. Very shortly after getting sober. I've come a long way since my old boyfriend. Countless hours and hours of talking with my partner until 5am about emotional issues and obstacles and also so much money put down into therapy. Now I can legitimately say that I trust him and I love him. I can say that my love for him equates to how many stars there are in the sky, which is infinite and ever expanding. And best of all the feelings are mutual. He has had alot of similar issues with bad ex-boyfriends in the past and he has trusted me with alot of information and alot of insight into his life and stuff that no one else would ever know. I feel like we've become so incredibly close that we could put most heterosexual married couples to shame.



But he also has his friends that come into town every once in a while. Friends that I've later found out had a sexual aspect to their friendship at one point in time as well. It does not happen often that one of these friends comes to town, but it still does on occasion. I've never sat in with them and he's always gone out alone with them for dinner or whatever. I feel like I trust him enough because of how truly raw and indepth we have discussed our feelings and past experiences. He know that it would absolutely tear my world in half if I went through the cheating thing again, and like I said, he loves me. Its not just his words, its his everyday actions and demeanor that proves to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me and I completely trust him that these dinners are just dinners. He always gives me the names of every single person there, the exact address of the place they are at, he calls when he arrives, and he calls when he leaves to say his coming home. I've never had an issue and there's never been any unexplained time gaps or anything. and he's always been able to give me a play by play of what exactly happened at dinner. He knows I can't help but worry about things like dishonesty. But he does the exact same for me if I am going out and doing anything, which is fine with me. I report back, check in, give him the address and the people im with, etc. I know that he worries like crazy and tells me that there's no way that he could function without having me. and I feel the same about him.



So we are alot alike the one piece of advice I would have for you, is to keep that clear line of communication with you and your partner. Tell him all of the stuff you are telling us here. Tell him your concerns, questions, comments, etc. You both love each other and I'm sure you'd do anything for each other. Work with him to come up with some kind of an arrangement that puts your mind more at ease for when he goes out and your not with him. You don't want to suffocate the guy because thats a very unattractive quality, but with people with just deep trust issues such as you and myself, it's hard to not want to and/or its hard to not always default to the worst case scenario all the time. Just keep talking to him. Explain your concerns and explain that you love him very much and you will do anything to keep things going great between you two.